YARN Interview

The Young Adult Review Network (YARN) recently posted an interview with me. They had some good questions. You can read it here.

Boys and Girls

In a recent interview I was asked how I am able to write in the voice of a teenage girl, as I did in How to Steal a Car, Sweetblood, and my soon-to-be-released love story (from both the boy's and the girl's perspective), The Big Crunch.  I said something like this:  "I start with the assumption that boys and girls have almost everything in common.  Boys and girls are not really that different from each other."

To expand on that thought, consider this: An alien life form arrives on Earth.  This alien is a silicon-based crystalline intelligence about the size of a mustard seed.  It derives energy from magnetic fields and communicates by means of UHF waves. 

The alien observes both a mouse and a stalk of corn, and determines that the two creatures are identical:  Both are enormous, grotesque, carbon-based entities that feed upon each other.  The differences between the two—one is motile, the other is not, one contains a higher level of silicon, one squeaks while the other rustles, etcetera—are of no importance to the alien, who leaves the planet believing that Earth offers only a single life form of little or no interest.

The DNA of chimpanzees and humans is 96% identical.  The fact that we regard chimps as being vastly different from ourselves has to do with the relative importance we place on a few minor variations having to do with body shape, hairiness, climbing ability, and so forth.

So it is with boys and girls.  We all eat, sleep, love, cover ourselves with fabrics, feel pleasure and pain…the list of similarities is nearly endless.  Those differences upon which we place so much importance—slight variations in communication techniques, body shape, reproductive equipment, and taste in movies—are relatively minor.  But those minor differences are, subjectively, major.

When writing from the point-of-view of a female character I rely upon a lifetime of close observation, in-depth studies of scholarly texts and laboratory experiments, reading chicklit, and extensive interviews with a variety of female simians.  Then I show my work to Mary Logue and she tells me where I went wrong.

Perfect Hash Browns

The classic American breakfast, eaten millions of times every morning in cafes and restaurants across the U.S., most often includes eggs, hash browns, and toast. The hash browns are the iffiest part of the meal. Just about any breakfast joint can turn out a decent version of eggs-over-easy, but good hash browns are another story.  Still, they are always worth ordering, because when hash browns are done right, they are fantastic: crispy brown on the outside, and soft and yielding on the inside – without being gooey.  The shreds of potato should retain their shape without being completely separate from each other – that is, you do not want a homogenous mass of smooshed potato, and you do not want matchstick potatoes – or worse yet, something that looks like a forkful of pale worms.  When you find a café that makes proper hash browns, all is right with the world.

My early attempts to make hash browns at home were disasters.  After dozens of unsuccessful efforts, I came to the conclusion that restaurants used Secret Ingredients or Special Equipment or Advanced Techniques or Black Magic to achieve that crispy-creamy hash brown magic.  So I did what most sane people do when confronted with the unattainable.  I gave up.  I turned to grits, to oatmeal, to pancakes, to scrapple…

But what I really wanted with my eggs was some fantastic hash browns.  Sigh.

A couple of years ago I bought a cheap Japanese slicer and went crazy for a while slicing everything edible.  Also, my fingers.  I decided to take another run at the Holy Grail that is Perfect Hash Browns.

I am pleased to report that I have had some success.

Perfect Hash Browns (for one*)

What you need:

• A medium-size potato**

• A nonstick skillet (any size) with a cover

• 1 tablespoon butter

• Salt (to taste)

Excellent hash browns can be made from any potato variety, but for perfect hash browns, I recommend a mature russet.  In other words, a “baking" potato. 

Step One: Peel and shred the potato.  I use a Benriner slicer, but you could use a cheese grater, the shredding disk on a food processor, or a knife (tedious).  How fine or coarse the shred is up to you - there are many versions of "perfect." 

Whatever tool you choose (Secret Technique coming), shred the potato into a big bowl of water.  Stir it around a bit.  See how milky the water becomes?  That starchy stuff coming off the potato is (ahem) potato starch, and will turn your hash browns into a gluey mess if you let it. You can leave the potatoes in the water for a few seconds, or for hours. 

11111Pour the shredded, soaked potatoes into a strainer.  Rinse them under running water to get rid of most of the starch. Now (here comes the Black Magic) dump the wet shredded potatoes onto a clean dish towel, gather the corners of the towel together, and twist the towel to wring the water from the potatoes. Give it a good twist. Lots of water will come out.

Put a tablespoon or so of butter in your a nonstick skillet. (You could use a combination of butter and oil, but do not eliminate all the butter – that’s what gets you that nice hash brown color.)  Heat skillet.  When the butter has melted but is not yet brown, sprinkle the shredded, semi-dry potatoes into the pan. Spread them evenly. Neaten up the edges if you wish, but DO NOT press the potatoes down with the spatula – you want hash browns, not a potato hockey puck. Loose is good. Those air spaces allow the heat and steam from the pan to wend its way up through the shredded potato. Add salt. Sometimes I throw in a pinch of white pepper, but that’s just me.

Turn the heat down to medium-low and cover pan.  Let it cook for about eight minutes, then take a look.  If the potatoes are brown around the edges, they are ready to turn.  If they aren’t getting brown, turn up the heat a bit and give it a couple more minutes.  If the edges are black, you had the heat too high.  Start over.

Shake the pan to make sure the potatoes aren’t sticking, then flip.  You won’t need a spatula. Or maybe you will.

Cook for another five to ten minutes. Leave the skillet uncovered for this stage – you want the top of the hash browns to stay nice and crispy.

Slide onto a plate. Perfect!

Even better!

*To make hash browns for several people, use a bigger pan, but keep the depth of the potato layer about the same. Flipping can be tricky. Good luck.

**This basic technique also works with other vegetables: zucchini, sweet potato, winter squash, beets, parsnip, etc. 

Pumpkin Update

Just back from two days of library visits in Columbus, Ohio. The squirrels have been busy.

Columbus was great.  I got to spend hours with librarian (and soon-to-be-published novelist) Julie Scordato, visit six libraries, and eat ice cream at Jeni's.  As usual, I forgot to take any pictures.  Oh well.

While I was there, I did a video interview with Doug Dangler for Writers Talk.  You can view it here.

Or not!  I guess my interview isn't posted yet.  Check back in couple of weeks.  In the meantime, you can watch John Green's interview instead.

Halloween Horror

Yesterday there was a beautiful five pound pumpkin sitting proudly on our front steps.  Today?  The squirrels had a feast.

Duck Stamp!

The winner of the 2010 Federal Duck Stamp Contest has just been announced.  Two of my brothers entered this year – Bob and Jim.  Out of 236 entries, their paintings were numbers one and two.  Woo-hoo! 

First place went to Jim for his painting of a pair of white-fronted geese.

Second place went to Bob for his painting of a single white-fronted goose.

Third place?  To quote from the movie A Serious Man, “Who cares?”

My brothers are so amazing cool I can hardly stand it.  Mary isn’t home at the moment, so I’m going to go jump up and down with Rene and Jacques (the poodles) now.  Jacques knows something is going on – he’s giving me the stink eye.


Late-breaking news:  Jim finished in a tie with brother Bob after three rounds. Jim's entry won the tie-breaker.

Ten Reasons Why Not

There are a lot of writers - both published and unpublished - who want to write novels for teens, better known as "YA" novels. Having worked with several such writers, I've noticed that in many cases their motivations are often not exactly, shall we say, useful. Or realistic.

Herewith, the Ten Worst Reasons to Write a YA Novel:

1. For fame

2. For fortune

3. To tell teens how they should act

4. To tell teens what it was like when you were a kid

5. To gain the respect and admiration of your peers

6. To gain the respect and admiration of your children

7. Because you think it will be easier than writing an adult novel

8. Because you think it doesn't have to be as good as an adult novel

9. To relive your teenage years

10. To revise your teenage years

The best reasons? I'll leave that up to you.

Doing Good Work

Author Swati Avasthi (Split) is conducting an online auction of books, manuscript critiques, and other good stuff to support the Family Violence Prevention Fund. Among the many items up for auction is includes a set of "The Bloodwater Mysteries" written by me and Mary Logue, and manuscript critiques by several well-known authors, agents, and editors.

Check it out! This is a great way to help out a fine organization, and maybe score something good for yourself, too!

The Fly Agaric

This morning I came across a patch of about fifty of these beauties (Amanita muscaria). Some people have been known to eat them for the hallucinogenic effects. I've never met anyone who wanted to try it twice.

Mushroom Soup

It has been a great fall for mushroom hunters here (Minnesota and Wisconsin). Here's a "hen of the woods" (Grifola frondosa), also known as a maitake. I've found several of them this year. This specimen weighed about seven pounds, which translates to a big pot of intensely flavorful mushroom soup.

Hen Soup

2 pounds fresh hen-of-the-woods (maitake)

¼ cup finely minced shallot (or onion)

2 tablespoons butter

1 quart water plus 1 quart homemade chicken stock (you could use all water)

1 teaspoon fresh thyme (or ¼ teaspoon dried thyme)

¼ teaspoon pepper

1 cup milk or (gasp!) cream (optional)

1-2 tablespoons olive oil

Salt

Garnish

Cut up the mushroom, dividing it into two piles. Pile One should include all the raggedy bits. Pile Two should consist of the nicer bits—small whole “caps,” nicely diced pieces, etc. Things you want to see in your spoon when you eat the soup.

In a medium-size pot (a three or four quart pan with high sides) sauté the shallots and mushrooms (Pile One only) in butter. Don’t be afraid to let the mushrooms brown. Brown is good!

Add the thyme, pepper, and stock. Bring to a simmer and cook for thirty minutes.

Pour the whole mess into a blender and pulverize it. Give it a good sixty seconds. You want to get it to the point where it will pour through a strainer. Return the mixture to the pot. (Don’t bother with the straining—you pulverized it sufficiently, no?)

Heat a sauté pan REALLY HOT. Add olive oil. It should start smoking almost immediately. Throw in Pile Two (the nicer mushroom pieces) and let them cook for a few minutes without stirring—you want them a little crispy on the bottom. Turn off heat and add a ladle or two of the blended mixture. Stir it around to deglaze the sauté pan, then pour it all back into the pot with the rest of the blended mixture. Simmer for about ten minutes.

Add milk or cream, if using. Salt to taste, then cook on low heat just long enough to bring it up to serving temperature.

Serve, with garnish.

The garnish is mostly to tell your guests that you have been paying attention, and to interrupt the unrelenting brownness of the soup. A little chopped parsley is sufficient. Maybe some crumbled bacon. If you want to get fancy, a dollop of crème fraîche is sure to impress.

Blank Confession Video: The Final Chapter

I had a lot of fun making these three short videos. I learned a lot about what works, and even more about what doesn't work. I also learned about the painful reality of working within a budget. Like most authors, I'm paying for my own book trailer. Of course, I have no idea whether it will make anybody buy a book, and I probably never will know. Good thing it was fun to do!

If you haven't seen the first two parts, either scroll down a few posts, or click here and here.

I'm working now on a different sort of book trailer for The Big Crunch, which is coming out in January. It's going to have animations, clips, more stupid jokes, and best of all, I am NOT going be on screen.

One more thing - I want to thank Max Selim, who organized, directed, and edited the Blank Confession videos, and Nick Grady, who did the camera work. Max has some cool shorts posted on his YouTube channel. Check him out!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Here are my two favorite "one star" reviews of my book INVISIBLE from Amazon.com. I love the internet!

HORRIBLE, July 13, 2010 By Lisa - See all my reviews Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?) This review is from: Invisible (Paperback) HORRIBLE PACKAGING! The book was jammed in this small box! the pages are bent and curled, the cover is crumbled and creased! it was awful!

Invisible, March 5, 2010 By Barbara A. Ibarra-scurr - See all my reviews Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?) This review is from: Invisible (Paperback) This is a review about the company in Colorado that sold me the book. I have been ordering books for years on line and this was the first time that it took over 15 days to get to me when it usually takes less than five. I will not order from them ever again and want my comments noted.

Blank Confession Video - Part Deux

The battle to bring BC2 to the tiny screen has been fierce and long. We had do deal with actor meltdowns, the gaffer strike, a missing Best Boy, uncooperative aspect ratios, insanely complex bit rate issues, and an epic legal battle with a lawbot named Bork over miniseries rights. In order to get our PG13 rating, we had to edit out the vampire sex and overdub certain off color remarks made by one of the characters. We also took out the Quran burning and the Marlboro Lights product placement. Censorship. Bah!

If you have not viewed "Blank Confession Part One," please do so now lest you miss the heavily nuanced elements in Part Two.

"Blank Confession Part Three" is coming soon, whether you want it to or not!

Like Hate Love

The new trade edition of Sweetblood went on sale last week, triggering conflicting pleasure/pain receptors in my hippocampus which, you should know, has nothing to do with higher education for semiaquatic ungulates. The cover of the new edition features candy-colored lips and pointy teeth against a deep purple background. It looks delicious. I like it. I hate it. I like it. I hate it. I like it. Somebody stop me, please!

Thank you!

Some history: The first edition of Sweetblood,

way back in 2003 when there were only a gajillion vampire novels (as opposed to today's kahunkabazillion), was a graphic designy image of a twenty-something woman with tasteful blood spatters across the cover and the tagline "A Vampire Novel." It was an okay cover, although I thought the tagline to be slightly deceptive inasmuch as there are no "real" vampires to be found in the book. Still, it was about vampires. Sort of.

Anyway, I figured as long as the cover encouraged more people to look at the book, it was okay. I liked it. I sort of didn't like it. It was a book cover. Whatever.

A couple of years later, the book was issued in small format paperback, and the designers took a different tack: this time, they used a photograph of a young model who perfectly represented the character I had in mind when I wrote the book. It suggested a goth-like, vampire-ish story about a character, and I loved it, I loved it, I loved it, despite the clunky typography. How often does that happen? Hardly ever.

Back to the new cover and the love/hate thing. From an author's point of view, there are three things a book cover should do:

1. It should look good.

2. It should sell the book.

3. It should be true to the book.

The new Sweetblood cover, IMHO, easily meets condition #1. It looks stupendously lickable. I think it will accomplish #2 as well - at least I hope so. As for #3...I dunno. I think most people who buy the book based on the cover will be expecting fangs and blood. Some of them will be disappointed.

I think the neck-biting promise made by the cover takes away from the story. Imagine yourself sitting down to watch, say, "Eat Pray Love" after being told it was a movie about carnivorous alien invaders. The whole time, you'd be looking for flying saucers and waiting for Javier Bardem's lips to peel back and reveal an extra set of jaws. Kind of distracting.

On the other hand, being told that "Eat Pray Love" was about an alien invasion is probably the only way I'd ever pay to see it.

Like. Hate. Love.

It's Heeeeere...

After months of rigorous casting and set-building, hundreds of rewrites, filming under the most treacherous conditions imaginable, and a lengthy negotiation with Pixar over the use of proprietary CGI effects, "Blank Confession: The First Sequence" is now available for viewing. Parts Two and Three will be released over the next few weeks. The 3-D version will be released in selected theaters only in Botswana and the Falkland Islands. An extended Director's Cut is in the works, and we have sent promotional packages to select members of the Academy.

Suitable for viewing with or without popcorn.

Blank Confession (the novel) will be published on November 16, 2010, by Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers.

The Egg and I

I am delighted to report that my fifteen seconds of internet fame have nearly expired. My part in the Humble, Texas affair is mostly over, and I hereby return this blog to its weirdly eclectic mix of food, mushrooms, writing, and other distantly-related topics.

Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, a friend of mine told me he was looking for a mentor—an older, more experienced man who would help him in his career and in other aspects of his life. I asked him how he planned to find such a person.

He said, “It’s easy. These old dudes, when they get into their fifties and sixties, they realize that they have learned a lot of stuff over the years, and that they might be dead soon. It’s like a biological imperative—they don’t want their knowledge to die with them, so they look for a younger guy to share it with.”

I thought that was an odd way to look at it. But now that I am well into my fifties, I find myself experiencing that urge to share. Therefore, tomorrow, I am going to tell everyone who visits this blog how to properly poach a freaking egg. Stay tuned!

Speaking of eggs, Part One of my “Blank Confession” video will be posted here very soon—I'm aiming for a week from Monday.

The Nasty Thing in the Corner, Part Two

Wow, that’s a lot of comments! Thank you for your supportive words.

And thank you also to those who took the time to post their dissents. Allow me to respond to a few:

To “A Teen Librarian”: I agree that teens should not have to pay for the political battles of their elders. But they do, every day, in more ways than I can count. I wish I could have figured out a way to attend TLF without hating myself for doing so, but I could not.

To “Paul”: I understand what you are saying and I respect your point of view, although I disagree. BTW, I have deleted no posts here—your insinuation is gratuitous.

To “Nate”: You are technically correct about my misuse of the term “censorship.” My use of the term is deliberate. We all know that the “uninviting” of Ellen H. was not literally censorship. It would be more accurate to say it was “the active suppression of an author to discourage teens from reading her books.” (Can we find an acronym in that? Wait a sec…okay, how about Activist School Suppression of Hopkins’ Access to Teens. I’m sure there’s an acronym in there someplace!) In any case, elephant or mastodon, it’s still a pachyderm. We all know what we're talking about. They may not have literally “censored” Ellen Hopkins, but their actions point to a similar intent.

To “Whoa Nelly”: First, I love your handle. And you are right in what you say, however, I believe that each of us has a point at which we must say, “Whoa, Nelly! I’ve had enough! I have run out of cheeks to turn! It’s time for some melodrama!” I reached that point last week.

Hey, I’m not sure, but I think the Thing in the Corner got a little smaller today!

The Nasty Thing in the Corner

I don’t often talk about censorship for much the same reason I don’t often talk about creationism, dog fighting, or Rush Limbaugh. Despite a lifetime of contrary evidence, there is still a part of me that believes that if you ignore that nasty thing squatting in the corner of the room, it will go away.

It does not go away.

Last week I received an email from wildly-popular YA author Ellen Hopkins (Crank, Impulse) letting me know that she had been “uninvited” to the 2011 Teen Lit Fest in Humble, Texas. Ellen made it clear that she was majorly pissed-off about it.

The biennial Teen Lit Fest (TLF) in Humble (a suburb of Houston) has become one of the premier teen literature festivals in the country. By all accounts, it is a friendly, well-organized event where teens can meet their favorite authors, and authors can connect with their teen readers. The high school and middle school librarians behind the event are a passionate and dedicated group with a deep love of teen literature.

Events like TLF are one of the best ways to encourage reading in teens, and they are important to authors as a way to get exposure for their books. When I was invited to be one of the featured authors at TLF 2011, and offered a generous honorarium to do so, I was thrilled.

Then I got that email from Ellen.

Censorship of children’s literature can take many forms. In its most blatant incarnation, books are removed from classrooms and libraries. Thankfully, this does not happen often. But there are more insidious forms of censorship.

In Ellen Hopkins’ case, she was invited to TLF, she accepted…and then, a few months later, the invitation was rescinded. Apparently, “several” parents were disturbed by the content of Ellen’s books, and objected to having her at the festival. They brought their concerns to the festival organizers, and one (one!) school librarian agreed with their concerns, and recommended to the school superintendent that Ellen be asked not to come. The superintendent went along with the one (one!) librarian’s recommendation. I believe that virtually every other librarian in the Humble ISD was embarrassed and furious over this decision.

Although Ellen might understandably take this matter very personally, it really has nothing whatsoever to do with the content or quality of her work. Whether she writes well or responsibly is immaterial. I wrote a post a couple of years ago addressing that issue.

What is important is that a handful of people – the superintendent, the one (one!) librarian, and “several” (three? five?) parents – took it upon themselves to overrule the vast majority of teachers and librarians and students who had chosen one of the most popular YA authors in America to be their headliner.

That is a form of censorship as damaging and inexcusable as setting fire to a library.

Over the past fifteen years of visiting schools and libraries I have been “uninvited” on two occasions. It is a terrible thing to be told by educators that your life’s work is “inappropriate” for its intended audience. In both cases, I did nothing. I didn’t want to further embarrass the librarians who had invited me - they were already mortified. I just wanted to leave a sour experience behind and get on with the next thing.

I now believe that was a mistake. The political and philosophical problem of censorship, in all its forms, harms all of us, and each of us has a responsibility to fight it. I cannot help but think that those same people who objected to Ellen Hopkins’ work might find some of my books equally disturbing.

And you know what’s really scary? Here is how the Humble ISD superintendent responded to a letter from one of the librarians who objected to his decision:

“…there are more authors that we would want at our Teen Lit Fest than we could ever have enough Teen Lit Fests to accommodate.”

Apparently he subscribes to the commodities model of educating our children. Creeps me out something fierce.

A few years ago, at a National Book Awards banquet, I met Judy Blume. She had just delivered a passionate speech about censorship. I joked, “Hey Judy, how do I get MY books challenged? I think it would be good for sales.” Judy was not amused. She looked at me and said, in a voice as dry as ash, “It will happen, and you will not like it.” She was right on both counts.

And so, as one of the other participating authors, I felt that the right thing to do was to withdraw from the festival, and so I did.

At least one of the other authors, Melissa de la Cruz, has also withdrawn from the festival. I don’t yet know about the other five.*

This whole business makes me sad. There are, I don’t know, maybe a hundred thousand or more good people in the Humble school district. They should be mad as hell, every one of them.

*UPDATE (8/16): Tara Lynn Childs has also withdrawn from the festival.

UPDATE (8/17): Matt de la Pena has withdrawn.

UPDATE: Festival canceled. Very sad.

UPDATE: I have decided to give up writing to become an actor. Click here for a sample.

The illustration above was created in five minutes on my iPad using a really cool little app called Brushes.

BLANK CONFESSION

I just watched the rough cuts of the BLANK CONFESSION videos. Philip Seymour Hoffman, you have nothing to fear!

Not even Keanu Reeves needs to worry.

Fortunately, I'm working with professionals whose job it is to make me look good. I'll be posting the first video in late August.

UPDATE: Part One now available in YouTube.

Sweetblood Trailer

Just in time for the reissue of Sweetblood, here's an impressive trailer I ran across on YouTube. Nice job, Margo!